For my parents – who did not even make an effort to listen to me when I tried to talk to them about the most important thing in my life. Who may never get to know the truest me – the person I grew in to and the woman I have become. It is not with malice or contempt that I write this, but with the agony of a heartbroken child. One who has never come to learn who her parents truly are, despite them being so close at hand…
“The son you never had”
The son you never had,
That is quite the story,
What mother does not love her boy,
Or farther revel in the glory,
What joy it must bring,
To experience such a thing,
The first born heir of the family name
What honor could he bring in a future filled with fame?
What a shame - with pain but not great remorse,
That your cherished son never was truly on that course,
But of course - you never gave your attention fully to what he ever truly could be,
That is why you could not see what was on display so plainly,
Do I make sense yet? Of course not - I have not even gotten started,
The son you though you knew is among the departed,
But not dearly so - even his pallid corpse hands spitefully refuse to clench,
Onto the tombstone of a lie that is now in firmly the past tense,
I will explain this to you know in a way I know you understand,
I hope these lyrics come to remind you of your favorite song or band,
I hope when you think of that thing forced to masquerade as a man,
You start to understand the frustrations second hand,
She never had a choice - not in the womb, the world or even how she was molded and made,
Chiseled in to the model of neglect and efforts half made,
You did your best in many ways - some good - some negative,
She will always remember the dismissive gestures and passive commitments that you give,
You son could not live - so congrats - he never died,
He never lied - even if he tried or could you would not have tried to hear it,
When it came to that child's voice you always act like you fear it,
So why let him speak now? Have a peak at someone new,
Reborn from the ruin of a broken babe who was made to be something of a controlled anomaly,
Who sought autonomy but needed more guidance from a family,
Who were not so fortunate to gain their own support,
But your own pains and hurts are something you never needed to report,
I saw them in you - and in how you treated me,
You raised a son - where a daughter was supposed to be,
It took her 33 years, but now she is finally free,
You where first introduced to her shadow when you first met Hungeren Lee,
The shadow is still there, but now it is complete with the whole,
Decades of wondering what caused this pain in my person as a whole
In my heart - where gentle hands were meant to garden in the soil,
Instead her heart and soul would be hardened in the pain and turmoil
I wish I had a foil to compare the two things - But the best comparison is plainly you when I hold up the mirror,
And reflect upon the two halves of my self until they are clearer,
Don't fear her! You shy away from her sight but you will be forced to hear,
More proudly now than ever I declare myself proudly trans and queer,
Enjoy your bitter beer while I sip on my glass of relief,
To tell you the truth this brings me no grief,
I will let my future husbands choose what strain of leaf we cheef
To celebrate my jaw finally unclenching around my teeth,
The last four measures are here for good measure,
I enjoy with great pleasure displaying to you the voice that has finally come to be,
My name is Zézah Xiomara Citrine - aka Hungeren lee,
Nice to finally meet you - even though I would have rather done it in person,
Nah- i take that back - I ain't got time for the reprimands and the curse'n,
I'm too busy growing up into a real person,
That had to stay hidden for too long - but it's better late than never,
After all - a boy can't stay a boy forever,
The me of the past is something I had to sever,
Believe me when I say the me I am now is a lot better,
Then the son you never had - and I'm not trying to be clever,
The corpse he left behind is smiling with joy and relief from the endeavor,p
For now and forever I make this one request,
As my hips widen out and my chest grows heavy with breast,
I say this as proud as I can with all my girly balls I cannot stand,
That I am your Daughter- never again refer to me as your son or man
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